Loosening our grip on control and certainty…
Control. Firm grip. Security. Definitely. Absolutely. For sure.
Many of us crave certainty. We want to know how things will work out before we take even the first step – but definitely before we wade in even more deeply.
We want to have a firm grip and be responsible. We wouldn’t want to be careless or irresponsible or make a mistake.
So we grab on as tightly as we can to the illusory belief that we can ever, in reality, be truly in control.
We are afraid of letting people in, so we build walls.
We are terrified of losing something important to us, so we hold on as tightly as we can – even at the risk of suffocating that which we are trying to protect.
We want to live deeply and fully but are so scared of getting hurt that we subconsciously and often unknowingly put barriers between us and that which we say we want more than anything.
Until the day comes when we are so tired of always trying to be in control. When we are so exhausted that we just want to throw in the towel. Until we feel such deep-rooted pain for not being able to access, in a true, deep and meaningful way, that which will add immeasurably to our lives.
And we slowly but surely open our hearts. Or we jump in with both feet.
Either way, we are terrified.
Maybe living with the illusion of control kept us stuck and was painful, but at least there was something comforting in its familiarity.
Opening our hearts can feel like we are trapeze artists jumping from one trapeze to the other, flying through space with no security net to catch us if we fall.
Maybe it feels like leaping without knowing what, if anything, there is to soften any fall.
Of course, G-d is always there looking out for and watching over us, but in the moment of our leap, we just feel the terror and uncertainty.
We are torn between wanting to jump back and continue flying forward.
And then we come to a realization that at once both shocks and amazes us: In flying through the air, taking that leap, we recognize that we are finally truly alive and that as scary as it is, we would never turn back.
Yes, there are moments we stumble and situations we realize we could have handled better, no doubt.
There are moments we are so scared or uncomfortable that we are so tempted to just want to run away and hide.
But then we see that we are experiencing life in a depth that we craved all along, even when we didn’t realize it, and we continue to step and jump into the wide open world in front of us, full of love and faith and hope.